Adventures in Kendra Land

I thoroughly enjoyed the show called “Bull” because it took a classic crime genre and added a twist – it was from the perspective of a legal company that specialized in selecting juries that would give the desired result, using a combination of psychology and technology. So if a lawyer or client had a particularly hard case, they would hire the brilliant and brash Dr. Bull and his team to help.

Overall the show is fairly clean. There’s a few episodes/scenes that I skipped due to content matter, and there’s some talk about sex and innuendo, but overall the show was really good.

One episode however really stuck out to me, one about a teenage kid who helped his girlfriend euthanize herself. Benny, the lawyer on Dr Bull’s team is Catholic, and he was against representing/helping this boy. This leads to an angry discussion with Bull, as he feels Benny isn’t being paid to think, he just needs to do his job.

To this, Benny said, “I have a point of view and I am concerned that it doesn’t dovetail with our client’s. I’ve been a practicing Catholic my whole life, and suicide…suicide is a mortal sin. Sanctity of life. No one can take a person’s life, even their own, except for God. Sorry, but that’s just what I believe”. Inwardly I cheered Benny on for standing up for his beliefs and for standing up to Bull.

Bull forcefully replied: “I am not asking you to go out and kill somebody, I’m asking you to go into a courtroom. As a matter of fact, I’m paying you to go into a court of law and save a boy’s life. What kind of god do you pray to?”

Implied throughout the episode is this idea that a good God wouldn’t want someone to suffer. And if we could do something to end someone’s suffering, we should!

A year ago my brother was going through a lot. He had a fever, could barely move, and was in extreme pain for weeks. He was hospitalized numerous times, for weeks on end. He was finally diagnosed with Still’s Disease, and praise God they have found the right meds to help him live much more normally! But it’s an ongoing disease and they don’t know if it will be something he struggles with for the rest of his life.

Watching him go through that was horrible. Over and over I asked God “why?” Why do this to him? Why allow this to a 21 year old, healthy man? Through this experience I realized my theology (understanding) of suffering was being challenged. What we went through as a family changed us and helped us to have way more compassion for others who are going through hard health situations.

If you had the power to stop someone from suffering, shouldn’t you do it? That was the message of this Bull episode, and I realized that in modern, Canadian culture our theology of suffering is simple: there is no value in suffering and it is to be avoided at all costs. 

If this were true, then why in the heck wouldn’t everyone choose suicide? At the first light of hard things, why not give up? 

I am SO GRATEFUL that Christianity has hope to offer to all of us who struggle, who suffer, who groan, and ask “why?” Even more than that, it amazes me that the God of the Universe left the perfection and peace of heaven to come and enter into our suffering – Jesus knows rejection, loss, grief, abuse, pain, and death, because He went through them all for us!

The Bible teaches us that suffering is temporary (1 Peter 5:10), that it produces endurance, patience, character and hope (Romans 5:3-5), that God can work good for us through suffering (Romans 8:28), that maturity/perfection only comes through suffering (James 1:2-4). What is more, suffering is promised to the Christian (John 16:33, 2 Tim 3:12) but relief is also promised through God (Revelation 21:4).

I would say that this is something I’m still working through. It seems like every year I realize how the assumptions of our culture are under my own struggles to trust God in the midst of hard things. And as uncomfortable as the episode of Bull was to watch, I think it’s cool that God used it to make me think more deeply about this topic.

If you’re suffering or struggling and you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to message me! May we all know the suffering God a bit more through our own struggles!

If trust is the door, latch, and lock that keeps the junk out of my heart, then one day I unlocked the lock, I unlatched the latch, and opened wide the door, letting Doubt, Fear, Jealousy, Unforgiveness, Pride, Insecurity, Anxiety, Lust, and Worry in.

They are impolite, nosy neighbours, interrupting friendships, ruining the peace and quiet of my mind, shaming me, and calling me names. They sure know how to kick you when you’re down. Their master, the Enemy of my soul, loves an open door.

So I’ve been trying to control them, to kick them out one by one, to call them names and reject their advice. But it seems like even when one goes home for the night, the next morning they are back, as chipper as ever, with cyanide confections in hand and a charm that dupes me into believing I’m welcoming a harmless old friend and not a horrid hag disguised in a dapper suit. But the pleasantries never last, and my house is getting crowded and my mind is on the verge of yet another meltdown.

How do I get these nasty neighbors out of my house?

Finally I asked You. You had been sitting there all along, quietly accepting whatever beverage I had been bringing by… usually tea in the morning, maybe a coke in the afternoon. All this time, You had been doing the background tasks needed to keep this home running – chopping vegetables, putting always the dishes, taking out the garbage. Most days I had asked You for help choosing a meal or grabbing things off the top shelf.  But all the while You were careful not to step on anyone’s toes. You were the perfect gentleman. Your presence had calmed me many a night, but never once did I let You take control of the house.

How do I get these nasty neighbors out of my house?

You smiled at me; Your eyes so full of compassion and love. A passion that surfaced in the calm, powerful voice that asked, “do you know why I am here?”

For a moment, I was taken aback, uncertain “ye-es… You live here?” 

“Yes,” He said, “and do you remember whose name is on the deed of this house?” Immediately, time seemed to come to a screeching halt, as intense guilt and crippling shame overcame me.

“Yours,” I whispered, in shock. I had forgotten somehow that this was not my house. I had given it to Him when I was just a child! The crowd of neighbors immediately pounced, engulfing me, shouting threats and sneering at my incompetence. Shame even tried to stand in my way and push Jesus aside.

“Enough,” He said, and His powerful voice seemed to echo off the walls. He turned to each neighbor and with authority and perfect directness, said “get out.” It only took a moment, and we were alone.

I felt tears on my cheeks as I gazed at Him, feeling the exhaustion of the last few months, and He just hugged me.

“Now we can be alone together… but only after I lock the door. Are you ready for Me to lock the door?” 

I stiffly drew back. For a moment I was whisked back to remember the many times I had been seduced by a salesman or thought I missed the familiar faces of my nosy neighbors and unlocked the door. Then I voiced my fears, “Jesus, I keep forgetting You are enough. Why do You stay!”

For a moment, He just looked at me. His steady attention made me uncomfortable, but when He started speaking I couldn’t help but meet His gaze in wide-eyed wonder. 

“When are you going to believe that you are Mine? That I chose you, not the other way around? I cherish you and I am NOT going anywhere. I gave My life so that old master of yours would no longer lay claim to you. You’re no longer his slave and you do not need to let sin have any mastery over you. And it all comes down to – will you trust Me enough to lock the door and let Me be in charge of the house? Do you trust me enough to be weak?”

“I am so weak,” I whispered, “yet I keep forgetting and trusting my own feelings and judgement and viewpoint… I seem to always lean on my own understanding.”

“I just want to do this together,” He said with a smile. “I’m not here to dominate you or to say you are always wrong. I’m the one who gave you feelings, judgement and a viewpoint. Use them, but include me! We’re a team, but you sometimes forget that and try to lead. Trust Me over your own understanding.”

I nodded and He walked over to the door. It thudded when it closed, the sound of freedom. I handed Him the key, joy starting to bubble in my heart. He locked the door with a flourish, grinning at me, bowing as He handed the key back to me.

I hesitated, causing Him to look up. “Can’t You keep the key?” I asked, knowing deep down what He would say.

He straightened, shaking His head vehemently, “I could never ask you to do that,” He said. “I am not like Your last master. I don’t make you do anything. I want your allegiance. I want you to choose me everyday. I want your heart. Today I call you my friend, my daughter.”

My heart felt full as I accepted the key. “I trust you, Jesus,” I said. “Please help my unbelief.”

I had a dream a couple nights ago that there was a serial killer staying in my house until trial. He had two guards that he was chained to, night and day, and wherever he went, they went. There was a time where I passed him in a hallway, and he gave me a look and made a move at me. I was terrified and cowered back from him. His guards asked me incredulously “are you scared?!” As if they couldn’t believe I was frightened with them there. Throughout the dream, I knew I was being manipulated by him. When I woke up I was filled with dread and fear and anxiousness.

I was praying about this dream later, because it did disturb me quite a bit. I had to get up and listen to worship music, but even then my sleep was fitful.

I believe God spoke to me and told me that living with sin in my life, even subtle sins such as pride, or culturally “acceptable” sins such as gossip or a lack of self-control, that it is kinda like living with a serial killer in the house. Extremely dangerous and utterly foolish!

We allow these sins to keep living in our hearts because we think there’s something to be gained by them. They provide a measure of satisfaction, or laughs or temporary gratification.

The Bible warns us that sin always lead to death! James 1:14-15 says “each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” A small compromise leads to a bigger compromise. One thought can easily become a pattern which turns into a habit. My professor would always say, “sin has no bottom”.

This last year God has used so many random circumstances, events and people to show me that I have pride, gossip and a lack of self-control residing in my heart. I can’t say that I haven’t been trying to fight these sins, but I also haven’t been as concerned as I believe God wants me to be. God used this dream to wake me up to the reality that I need to “put to death” (Colossians 3:5) these sins.

I’m one of those corny people who makes goals for myself every year. Usually these have to do with a focus of what I want God to teach me more about, or an area of character that I want God to work on. Last year my goal was to not have any more secrets. I hope you will join me in the goal I’ve chosen for 2020:

We all need to stop living with serial killers in our houses!

I was 15 or 16 when I discovered that I was an introvert. This makes so much sense! I thought. Imagine my surprise when, several years later, I retook the test and discovered I was suddenly 50% introvert and 50% extrovert. According to the test, you are then labeled an extrovert. I know this shouldn’t have rocked me, but it did.

You see, I had been using the label “introvert” as an excuse… an excuse not to spend time with people. If I’m honest, I had been using it as an excuse not to love people.  But even more than that, at times I had wanted to hang out with people, but I would tell myself “I’m an introvert. I need to spend time alone”. This resulted in a lot of loneliness in my first year at college, and I was totally doing it to myself!

I just think it’s so crazy how I allowed a man-made label to hold me captive for several years. I remember the first summer when I was asked to Program Direct, the main objective and fear I had was that I was an introvert, so how would I survive talking to people all day long?

I’ve been at camp this summer for 10 weeks now. My main job at camp is communication and, because we have a really new staff this summer, I have been doing a lot more communication than other summers. And this last week I struggled quite a bit with feeling really worn out, just wanting to be alone and wanting time to recharge.

Wait, you may think, isn’t that the definition of an introvert?

I think this is the definition of being a selfish human being. Here’s why…

I was talking about this to my Dad today, and he told me a crazy story. I guess back in the day he and my mom were at counselling, and the Christian counsellor had them take personality tests. The counsellor showed them the results and then said something that shocked my parents: “I’ve never seen a couple more incompatible than you guys. When I look at these results, I’m convinced there’s no hope for you…”

This was fairly devastating to my parents. He let his words sink in before he went on: “but the good news is this test only shows you what you’re like in your natural self. There’s only one hope for you, that you live in the Spirit and not by the flesh”.

Even this last week I discovered this to be true. My camp celebrated their 65^th anniversary this weekend, and right before the weekend I was dreading having to meet and talk to new people and spend time with people all weekend instead of getting some time off. Of course, I could have said it’s because I needed some introvert time and just had a bad attitude all weekend. But instead I got over myself and ended up having an incredible, super fun weekend!

I’m not saying that I don’t believe there are different personalities out there or that I don’t find personality tests to be helpful at times. I KNOW I think and process life differently than some of my friends… I am a way more logical thinker than some of my feeler-type friends. What I am trying to say is this – I want to stop allowing man-made labels that are never mentioned in the Bible stop me from living the life that God has called me to! I want to believe what HE says about me!

I remember with surprising clarity that moment when I read Jeremiah 2:13. I was sitting in a vehicle full of sleeping people at 7 am on a Friday morning, on my way to volunteer at a conference in Saskatoon. The sky was slowly coming alive with color, and though I had hoped I would be able to sleep during the four hour drive, I was restless.

I picked up my Bible and randomly opened to: “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

In that moment I felt a pang of conviction, a cosmic sucker punch to the heart. I realized this passage was an accurate description of me. I had forgotten that Jesus is what truly satisfies and had turned to many lesser things.

We turn to empty cisterns because there is something to be gained by them. Sure, it’s not living water – but when you’re used to the gross stuff, you don’t know what you’re missing. In fact, this stagnant water is just enough to quench your thirst, even for a moment, so why is it so bad?

There is a broken part of all of us, including me, that believes the original lie of Satan, that what God says will bring me death will actually bring me life. That God is holding out on me.

Realizing that I often want sin more than I want Jesus has probably been one of the most confusing, faith-shaking experience of my life. I can look back on a journal entry from October 12, 2018, where I was processing another one of these moments. I realized that, when I gave into temptation and the shame that I felt after, I felt unworthy. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt dirty, discouraged and disappointed with myself. In those moments, I felt as if God can split the seas and raise the dead, but He’s not powerful enough to help me overcome my sinful desires. I had asked God for freedom, I had confessed, I had prayed and read scriptures. I had done all the “right things”, why wasn’t that enough?

I’m really thankful I have had people in my life that have pointed out that I’ve been listening to the wrong voice…

The voice of conviction, God’s voice, will always lead us to confession and repentance, which ends in joy, because Jesus is enough for us! He is what truly satisfies! And when we realize our love for sin and replace it with a love for Jesus, this brings freedom.

The voice of condemnation, the flesh and Satan’s voice, always leaves us feeling stuck, because it never allows us to focus on anything but ourselves. Unfortunately, in my life I’ve been pretty good at listening to this voice.

The awful realizing of my love for sin once lead me to shame. Especially in this past year, slowly I have been learning to let this move me towards repentance.

So one of the big things I’ve learned in all of this is this: We need to learn which voice to listen to.

Proverbs 31 makes me think of an exchange between Elizabeth Bennett and the dreamy, strikingly side-burned Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, where Mr. Darcy explains what he believes the truly accomplished woman would look like. Lizzie scoffs at him, saying something like, “I’m amazed that you would even know one accomplished woman! I’ve never saw such a woman”. (Click here if you want to see the exchange.)

This passage has incredible principles in it… be on the same team as your husband (v. 11), fight for, not against (v.12), put aside selfishness (v. 13-14), work hard (v. 15), be compassionate (v. 26), etc.

On mother’s day, I went to a random church in a town in Southern Manitoba, and the guy preaching told the women in the audience to let this passage be “the introspective challenge to have higher expectations for yourself”.

But if you’re a woman, or if you’ve just read this passage, have you ever thought about how this Proverbs 31 woman is literally a superhero who never sleeps? (see verse 15 & 18).

I have been challenged in the last year that most of us have been taught to read the Bible like a good pharisee – we read the Bible as a checklist of do’s and don’ts, and we think that as long as we are trying our best to work towards pleasing God, then we’re good.

We are like that rich young ruler who came to Jesus and said, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” (Mark 10) Jesus says to him an interesting thing: “Why do you call me good? Only God is good”. Then Jesus points him to another incredible list, the ten commandments, to which the guy makes a really dumb statement. “Teacher, all these I have kept since I was a boy”. Here Jesus told him only God is good, but now this fellow has the guts to say “actually, I’m good”.

If we are not reading the whole Bible through the lens of the gospel, we will generally have two reactions to its rules – shame or pride. You might compare yourself to this list and see how far you have to go and feel awful about yourself. Or you compare yourself and check boxes, like that rich young dude, and feel pretty good about yourself.

This last weekend’s sermon was all about how we need to do better, with the only application being “do you know a woman like this? Then honor her for it”. Recently I was told that the aim of a sermon is for the audience to leave worshiping, and I really feel like this guy accomplished that – if he wanted us to leave worshiping our mothers. Needless to say, I got pretty fired up, which, of course, fueled this blog post… 😊

For me, I have always struggled with Proverbs 31, because I feel perfectly inadequate when I read it. Sure, I’ve had good days, but I also have many days where I don’t fight for my family, where I act out of selfishness and laziness, where I’m not compassionate or intentional. Or I think of my sweet Grandma, who’s health doesn’t allow her to be as active serving as she would like. Is she somehow not a Proverbs 31 woman because she is unable to do as much as she used to?

God knew that none of us would stand a chance against His perfection, so He sent Jesus Christ to live the life that we could not live and die the death that we deserve. If you put Proverbs 31 into the context of Jesus’ relationship with the Father or with His people, He has done and does all of these things!

The good news of Proverbs 31 is this woman’s value, her rare ruby quality, is not in the fact that she does all the right things, but in where here heart is. Yes, those things are important, but verse 30 reveals the reason she can do what she does. Verse 30 recognizes that “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain”. I would add that abilities and health fades, “but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”.

So whether you’re a rich young ruler or Proverbs 31 wannabe, remind yourself today that it is not in obeying the law or serving God with your life that God is pleased. He wants your heart, He wants you!

Do I long for Jesus’ coming? I would say, no. No, I don’t. It’s not something I think much about. Maybe once a week, when I am faced with something awful that’s going on in the world, or if I am in a really stressful time, a thought will flicker for a fleeting moment to the second coming, and God’s promise to make everything right in the end.

That’s usually where it ends.

I long for a lot of things… for adventure, for clarity, for joy that doesn’t falter the moment the circumstance changes, for life-lasting friends that won’t leave, for someone to belong to, for the Christians around me to be passionate and public in their love for Jesus, for victory over sins and doubts and fears in my life.

And today I also longed for a poutine. 😊 So I drove to Ponteix, a small French town about 25 km away from my school, and had lunch while I read through the book of Revelation. I had a few prayers going into it: that I would be able to push away the massive to-do list that’s ever in the back of my mind and that I would be able to set aside my previous bewilderment at the book and focus on what God was teaching me, not what I didn’t understand.

So I get to the end of the book, and I get hit with John’s ending: “Amen. Come, Lord Jesus”

(22:20). And, quite honestly, I didn’t get it. For chapters and chapters all I read was about God’s wrath and punishment on mankind. There’s bowls and trumpets and beasts and horns and eyes all over the place, and none of it seems good.

I mean, sure, the last few chapters are awesome! I want to see the new heavens and earth (chapter 21), to hear the roar of celebration when Jesus defeats His enemies and exalts His followers (19:1-8), to see Jesus’ face and see His light (22:4-5).

But I just don’t like that there’s need for verses like: “this calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remains faithful to Jesus” (14:12).

Endurance. A word that I don’t particularly like. In fact, a fear that I have had in the past while is what if I fall? What if I don’t endure? What if I end up like the multitudes of people who grow up in church and end up leaving it all behind after high school?

I know this may seem like a weird fear to have, but I guess part of it is being realistic. Following Jesus is hard. He demands everything. And I’m passionate and perfectionistic: if I’m going to do something, I want to do it well or not at all. I also know that sin is pleasurable, and there are some days I forget how much I enjoy Jesus.

Reading though Revelation today reminded me that somewhere in my brain resides the firm belief that following Jesus should be easy, that the comfort that Christ offers is physical instead of emotional, and that He came to make my life better, which can’t include suffering!

But I guess the thing that I have come away from today is a few general thoughts that can be found throughout the Bible, but especially in Revelation…

The extremeness of Jesus.

In Chapter 19, when Jesus comes against his enemies, there’s no battle! Jesus just shows up and defeats them all! And just listen to this description of Jesus: “I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war.  His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself.  He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God” (19:11-13). I’m reminded of that quote from Narnia: “He’s not a tame lion… but He’s good”.

The extremeness of God.

His love is unconditional in that even the worst person in the world can find forgiveness from their sins. If Hitler, on his death bed, having never done a single good thing to outweigh the terrible things he had done, asked for forgiveness and truly repented in his heart, he would find grace.

And His justice is so perfect that even the most moral person in the world who never recognizes their need of Jesus cannot go to heaven. He takes sin seriously and cannot, as a good Judge, let sin go unpunished.

My extreme thankfulness

I am so thankful that because of Jesus I am saved from the wrath to come. That at the cross, Jesus took on the wrath of God. We don’t need to punish ourselves for what we’ve done. We don’t need to repay God. He has suffered for us.

In light of all this, how can I not suffer for Him?

It really does help me to put into perspective the things I am struggling with right now. It’s not supposed to be easy. I will have to suffer for Him, but it’s nothing compared to what He did for me. And someday He is coming back, and it will all change: “God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Rev 20:3-4).

Come, Lord Jesus!